New Year, new...something

Perhaps a new year will inspire some more writing from me. I am full with desire for change in this year. With the past year gone, however, the things of the past still being carried into this new year, I hope to have a place to put the things that I cannot change; the things that have made me who I am, but have not always been beneficial.

I realize everyday that people will let you down. I just need to know how to deal with the pain of that. I want to come to a point where I don't feel sorry for myself and actually love and forgive the one's around me that have hurt me. Why do the people that are supposed to love you the most seem to be the people that can hurt you the most? It's because you are invested in them. I am invested in the lives of my parents, brother, aunts uncles, etc. However, I AM NOT their lives. I am a part of their lives. Learning how to separate the my from theirs is an invisible conflict, a tension without any physical borders.

My grandmother died last month. It's been a hard thing to accept that I cannot see her in this life anymore. The small things such as, taking her to The Olive Garden (her favorite restaurant), or even looking at old photos of her and my grandfather. I have so many memories in those photos, in the places she loved, and in the people she loved; the same people I still love. The same people I cannot seem to love and forgive the way I want to right now. I am hurt and wanting to blame them for things. I know it's not right. I am an adult, I have to suck it up and take responsibility for who I am whether or not I got everything I needed from them.

The really hard thing I have to accept is that my family is human, just... like....me. It seems such an obvious thing, being human. I think we forget though. So this new year is going to be expectant with new things for myself and my family. I am hopeful, even though I don't feel it. I anticipate uncomfortable and necessary conversations, and I realized that I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to purposely isolate myself because I don't feel like being around others. I may have to do things I don't want to do, simply because I should. I cannot let life just fall on me. I have to pick what I want. I have to be daring and risk something. I don't know how the hell that is going to be accomplished, but I am wait with purpose.